welcome to my virtual room!

this is my diary/blog/vent page

lately i've been pretty suicidal. i just started taking anti-depressants, but i feel hopeless. it mainly has to do with a possible aspergers dyagnosis. i know it shouldn't be a death sentence, but i makes me feel horrible, also because being autistic shouldn't be seen as something bad. but i just feel alone. loneliness has been a problem in my life for such a long time, and people around me told me it was due to shyness that would go away with age. but i'm older, and i feel like i have no true friends. i feel so alone and i have no idea how to socialize and make friends and connections. i have no idea how to pick up on social cues. i feel like everybody hates me, and i don't know how to change that. i have no one to talk about this and feeling comfortable in a daily basis. i feel tired, depressed and like a lazy worthless being. i want to do so many things, but i don't know where to start.

i wish i could just be normal

(25/04/2023): today lots of people didn't come to school bc of a protest in the city. we were only 3 in class including me. i had a good time. i spent the break with my philosophy teacher in silence because i wanted to be alone. it was nice. he's nicest, coolest dude ever.

(27/05/2023): been a long time since i was here. i still am depressed, and with the school year ending, my psicologist told me that it was highly improbable that i would find or make any friends, so i shouldn't try. feel bad, and sad. why can't people just aproach me? am i really that unattractive (in a possible friendship way)? i'm so tired of trying to start conversations, of trying to seem aproachable, friendly. will it always be this way? poeple have always told me i was just shy, and that it will dissapear when i get older. but i hasn't, and never will go away. i'm virtually non existent